


the ghost of you

by nasa



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Happy Ending, Infidelity, M/M, but not between Steve and Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 04:28:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17522003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nasa/pseuds/nasa
Summary: Steve and Tony are married, but not to each other. In some ways, they are happy. Despite that, they can't help but be drawn together, two stars stuck on a collusion course to the end.





	the ghost of you

“We can’t do this anymore,” Steve gasps between kisses, “We can’t - oh, Tony -”

“I know,” Tony shushes him.

“It’s not fair,” Steve continues anyway. “To Sharon or to Pepper, it’s not -”

Tony interrupts him with a hard kiss. “Just fuck me already,” he commands, and Steve finally quiets.

Afterwards, they lie together, Tony’s calf slung over Steve’s shin. They’re both tired, tacky with sweat, but still Tony feels cold in this white room.

“That was the last time,” Steve says.

“Right,” Tony tells the ceiling. “Last time.”

It’s a promise they’ve made and broken dozens of times already because, like it or not, vows or not, happy or not, they just can’t seem to stay away. Like two stars, they are tugged inexorably together. One day, Tony knows, the consequences will come; one day, they will get too close, and gravity, their old friend, will tear them apart. Then, they and any happiness they had will dissolve into the vacuum like ash, nebulous and hot.

But it doesn’t matter that Tony knows this. He’s pulled forward anyway.

-

Sharon and Steve get married the same year Tony and Pepper do.

Tony and Pepper are first - a spring wedding in upstate New York, in an expensive mansion with antique stained glass windows that Pepper had fawned over when they had first toured the grounds. It follows a two-year engagement, and is crashed halfway through the reception by Doombots, but it’s lovely. Pepper is glowing all day long, a dream in her white dress, and when she places her hands on Tony’s neck and tugs him closer on the dance floor, Tony can almost forget everyone else.

Steve and Sharon are more efficient with it. They go to the courthouse without telling anyone aside from Sam, who, Tony hears afterwards, they brought as their witness. One day, they’re just a regular couple, and the next, they have burnished golden rings on their fingers, worn as though bought from a pawn shop.

“We just thought it was time,” Steve says when asked, but he’s grinning as he accepts hugs of congratulations from his fellow Avengers. Tony alone doesn’t move from his seat, but Steve doesn’t call him out on it or even meet his eye, preferring instead to leap into the mission report as though there are snakes hissing at his heels. Afterwards, the rest of the Avengers drift out one by one, shooting unsubtle glances in Tony’s direction, until Steve and Tony are left alone.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Steve says without meeting Tony’s eye. “It was - sudden.”

“It’s fine,” Tony says. “I mean, why wouldn’t it be? I’m married, right? It’d be pretty fucking hypocritical of me to be mad at you.”

Steve’s expression goes pinched. “Right,” he agrees, but his voice is hollow. “Right. Of course.”

“So we’re good, then?” Tony confirms, rising from his seat. “I can go?”

“You’re always free to go,” Steve says. It sounds like he’s talking about more than the conference room.

“Right,” Tony mimics. “Of course.”

He makes it halfway down the hall before Steve catches up to him with a firm hand around his bicep. “Tony -” he starts, but Tony’s already grabbing him by the hand and tugging him into the nearest bathroom.  “I’m sorry,” Steve says again, this time against Tony’s lips.

Tony fumbles for the lock on the door. “I don’t care,” he says, one hand dropping to palm at the bulge in Steve’s jeans. Steve groans, breath hot against Tony’s cheek. “I don’t -”

Despite his best efforts, Steve burns his handprint, purple and bruising, onto Tony’s hip. “I’ll tell her it was a training accident,” Tony says. Steve doesn’t have to worry about it. The marks Tony left on him are already half-healed by the time he pulls his t-shirt back on and steps out into the real world.

-

“How was work today?” Pepper asks, the third night in a row Tony comes home late from SHIELD.

“Fine,” Tony says. It was. He only had to sit through three hours of meetings, and he got to spar with Steve today. Those are his favorite moments, on the mat with Steve - the only time he can reveal in Steve’s touch without feeling guilty about it, the only time he is allowed contact without pain.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time there, lately,” Pepper notes. She’d ordered in Chinese for dinner, or, more likely, Jarvis had. There’s shrimp fried rice on the counter for Tony, dumplings for Pepper, and, Tony notices with a pang, beef and broccoli. Jarvis had probably ordered it for Tony, not realizing that Steve was the only one who ever ate it. Tony makes a mental note to bring it to SHIELD tomorrow, to give to him.

“It’s been busy,” Tony says, settling onto the couch with his container of food. “A lot’s been going on, what with the restructuring and everything.”

Pepper hums, stirring her chopsticks through her food almost thoughtfully. “I heard Steve and Sharon got married.”

Tony blinks, surprised by the change in subject. “Uh, yeah. I told you that, didn’t I? It was a few weeks ago now.”

“No,” Pepper says, something indecipherable in her tone. “You didn’t.”

For a long moment, silence stretches between them, an awkward weight Tony never used to have to deal with. It wasn’t always like this. Nowadays, his relationship with Pepper feels more like a veneer than a reality, but before - he had always loved her, before. He still loves her, will probably always love her. But he’d realized some time ago that he needed more than just Pepper could offer, and now, he’s starting to think she’s realized it, too.

“Anyway,” Tony says, finally, just to break the silence. “The new season of Grace and Frankie just came out. Want to watch?”

Pepper pursues her lips. “Sure,” she says finally. “But I have work to get done tonight. Only one episode.”

They make it through four before Pepper starts to drift off on the couch, her head resting on Tony’s shoulder. She’s as beautiful as always, hair shining and freckles glowing in the dim light of the room. There was a time when Tony thought she was everything he could possibly need or want. Moments like this, he almost feels that way again, or at least feels he can pretend it is still true.

He lifts Pepper up into his arms and carries her to bed. She mumbles and squirms in Tony’s arms, but settles once he sets her down on the silky sheets. She curls up around her pillow automatically, away from Tony’s touch. He lays down beside her at a careful distance, drifting off to the sound of her breathing.

-

“I think Pepper knows,” Tony says, the next time he and Steve are eating lunch together in Steve’s office.

Steve’s hand stills on his water bottle. Immediately, the laughter and ease of his expression is gone, replaced with only concern. It’s a Captain America face, the one he pulls out at during strategic command. Is this what this has become? Tony thinks. My life, a game of chess?

“Why do you say that?”

Tony shrugs, looking down at his plate. Suddenly, he’s lost his appetite. “She’s been acting - different, lately. More distant. And she keeps asking questions about what I’ve been doing at SHIELD so much. Not - prying, not really, but - yeah. She knows something.”

“Well, do you think she’ll tell Sharon?”

Somehow, it’s not the question Tony was expecting. He lifts his gaze to meet Steve’s, raising an eyebrow. “Really, that’s your main concern?”

“Well, she is my wife, Tony -”

“Yeah, and I’m the guy you’re fucking on the side,” Tony says. Steve flinches, a tiny thing, so small Tony almost can’t catch it. Steve’s resolute expression doesn’t change. “Jesus. I can’t believe you - fuck it. No, she wouldn’t tell Sharon, not right now. She doesn’t know enough, I don’t think. But if she does find out - then, yeah, she’ll tell Sharon. She’s not gonna just - keep it to herself.”

Steve’s eyes are like steel. “Then you need to get better at lying.”

Tony feels his eyebrows pinch together. “You - are you serious? That’s your fucking solution, the best thing the world’s most strategic mind can come up with?”

“You’re a genius, you tell me what we should do.”

“Tell them,” Tony says. He doesn’t mean to say it, but once it leaves his mouth, it feels right. He doesn’t know why they’ve delayed this so long, why he didn’t come clean to Pepper months ago, why Steve didn’t break it off with Sharon before their rushed wedding, before they sold their souls to one another. “That’s the only sustainable option, Steve.”

But Steve is shaking his head, resolute. “That’s not an option,” he says. “I made vows, Tony, I can’t break them.”

“You’ve broken promises before,” Tony says lowly.

“This is more than a promise,” Steve says. “I stood up in front of God and said I would be with her until death does us part -”

“And then twenty-four hours later, you fucked me in a bathroom,” Tony hisses. “What does your god think of that?”

Steve shoves himself to his feet. “I can’t do this right now,” he says. “This is - now is not the time to -”

“When is the time?” Tony demands. “Look at us, Steve! We’re on a fucking date. We fuck and we kiss and we date, can’t you see what this is, here? This is real, Steve, it’s not going away.”

Steve just shakes his head. “Not today, Tony,” he says, and is out the door before Tony can think of anything else to say. Tony wants to scream, but instead he pinches the bridge of his nose and allows himself a very loud, very frustrated sigh. Then he gets to his feet, gathers the remnants of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches Steve had made them, and pitches them in the trash. He takes a fortifying breath, gathers his briefcase, and heads out the door. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself, although at heart, he knows it matters very much. Maybe it’s the only thing that does. I’m fine.

-

It had been different, when they first got together. Not that it had been perfect - they were still both in relationships, then, and no matter what this was, it was unfaithful - but it had been better. Tony had been the one to take initiative, the first time, the one to kiss Steve, half-drunk in his workshop. He’d been sure Steve would deck him for even trying, but instead Steve had gripped Tony around the waist, bruisingly tight, and kissed him back, hard. They hadn’t spoken, jut fallen wordlessly on the futon together. Afterwards, they didn’t speak either, except for when Steve, buckling up his pants, had said, “You won’t say anything about this, will you?”

“Only if you don’t,” Tony had replied, and Steve had smiled at him, relief softening the edges of his expression.

“Thanks, Tony,” he had murmured, leaning down to press a kiss to Tony’s cheek, and then he had slipped away. It seemed he was always slipping away.

For several months after that, nothing happened, until one day, after a particularly difficult mission, Steve had pressed Tony against the wall of an empty Quinjet and fucked him boneless. They fell into a sort of pattern, then: every few weeks a nice good fuck, just to release some energy, unbottle the need. It wasn’t until a long time later, after Tony proposed to Pepper, after Steve and Sharon moved in together, that Tony realized somehow, he’d gone and developed feelings for Steve, real feelings. He hadn’t known if Steve had felt the same, so he’d kept quiet up through his wedding. Steve had acted normal at the ceremony and the abbreviated reception, and so Tony had gone onto his honeymoon to the Bahamas thinking nothing was wrong. It was only after he got back that he found Steve on the futon in his workshop, eyes puffy and red.

“I think I love you,” Steve had said, voice croaking like he’d been crying. “I think -”

Tony had kissed him, then, tasting salt on his lips. “I love you, too,” he had murmured, but Steve just cried harder.

“We can’t do this,” he whispered. “You’re married. You - you have a wife.”

Tony didn’t know what to say to that, so he kissed Steve again. It dissolved into more, because it always dissolved into more. “This is the last time,” Steve had groaned, as Tony thrust into him, “The last -”

He’s been saying that for months now, every time since that day in the workshop. He has yet to act on his promise, but Tony lives in constant fear that he will. Because Steve - well. Steve is Steve, and somehow, entirely without meaning to, and while simultaneously being in love with someone else, Tony had fallen head over heels at the feet of this dumb, kind, gentle man, this man who made Tony laugh and cry and moan, this man who pet pigs and washed dirty shoes by hand, this man who had a wife all of his own.

-

“Is there anything you want to tell me, Tony?” Pepper asks one night.

Tony smiles at her as best he’s able. She knows, he thinks, but he can’t say it. Even after all of this, he can’t do that to Steve. “Nothing,” he says. “Not at the moment.”

She sighs, eyes pinched - always pinched, these days, like the bags under her eyes, so dark they’re almost blue - and turns away from him. She moves like a shadow, wane and thin. Tony hates hurting her, but at this point, he doesn’t know how not to. He’s backed himself to a corner, now, and even the most inventive of strategies won’t get him out.

-

“Do you still love me?”

Tony watches Steve’s eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. He turns to look at Tony, frowning. “Why are you asking that?”

“I want to know,” Tony says. “Do you?”

Steve visibly hesitates, and for a second, Tony is sure he’s going to say no. But when he speaks, all he says is, “Nothing has changed.”

“Yes?” Tony prompts.

Steve sighs. “Yes,” he confirms. “Why are you -”

“I think we should tell them,” Tony interrupts. If possible, Steve’s expression goes even more shuttered off, and Tony has to reach out and grab Steve’s hand to prevent him from retreating entirely. “Think about it, Steve. I love you. And you love me. Why shouldn’t we stop lying?”

“You know why, Tony!”

Steve is angry, now, pulling away from Tony and getting to his feet. Good, Tony thinks. He wants him angry.

“I don’t think I do,” Tony argues, shoving himself to his feet. “You know what I know? I know that this is hurting them. Pepper, Sharon. Me. It’s hurting me, Steve. I feel like I’m dying, every time we have to lie about something, every time we have to strategically time our exit from the building, every time Pepper looks at me with that face over dinner, like she knows but she won’t stop me -”

“You think it doesn’t hurt me, too?” Steve demands, voice so loud he’s almost yelling. “Do you think I like this, Tony? That I like being apart from the man I love? I want to be with you, Tony, you know I do, but we were too late! We were too fucking late. You have Pepper, and I have Sharon, and that’s how it is. There isn’t room for you and me.”

“Then we make room,” Tony snaps. “Stop with this ‘too late’ bullshit. It’s never too late, and you of all people should know that. You’re hurting? Then let’s fucking end the hurt! We could end this all so easily, Steve, and it’s not fair of you to stand in the way of that.”

“Not fair? What’s not fair is that we never got a chance without the complications, what’s not fair is what we’re doing to our wives -”

“Then let’s stop,” Tony says. Steve’s mouth snaps shut. “Let’s stop, Steve. You’re right. We need to stop hurting them. Which means this needs to stop.”

Steve’s jaw works. “I can’t stay away from you,” he says finally, and it sounds like a confession. “We can’t stop. I can’t.”

“That’s not what we need to stop,” Tony says. He takes a step forward, then another, until he can grasp Steve’s hand in his. “This situation needs to stop. If we stopped - yeah. That’s one way to do it. But we both know that won’t work.”

He sighs, squeezing Steve’s fingers. “We can’t keep doing this to them, Steve,” he says, and from the pained look in Steve’s eyes, he agrees. “It’s not fair to them. For them to have this - half love, this half life. They deserve more. They deserve real loves.” Now Tony lifts a hand to cup Steve’s jaw. “We have a real love,” he says quietly. “We can’t give up on that. They can find it, too. But we need to be honest. We need to end this.”

Steve swallows hard, Adam’s apple bobbing. “It’s selfish,” he whispers finally, voice wet with tears.

“No,” Tony disagrees. “Because it’s better for them, too. It’s better for everyone. This is the only way, Steve. They would want to know.”

Steve’s free hand rises to settle on Tony’s waist, a warm weight. “Tomorrow,” he whispers finally. “We’ll tell them tomorrow.”

Tony’s heart feels like it’s singing out of his chest. He knows tomorrow will be rough. Tomorrow, he will come clean. Tomorrow, he will break Pepper’s heart, and probably Sharon’s, also; tomorrow, he will shatter the second most important relationship in his life. Not the first though. And for that, he can’t stop smiling.

“Tomorrow,” Tony agrees, and kisses him. It feels like the future dawning.

**Author's Note:**

> find me at nasafic.tumblr.com
> 
> title from ‘the night we met’ by lord huron


End file.
